Lazy Freakin' Mutts

So hey, in the spirit of this lame ass Dog stroller idea that is all the rage now, here comes this post. I still think if your dog can walk, lick it's own ass, eat it's own crap, sniff a buddy's can, drink out of a piss-stained toilet, and drop a deuce on the rug then they can walk to the damn park with a leash. Now I understand if a poor little pooch or kitty is banged up, maybe a cold or the flu during this horrid flu season, might need a lift. Or maybe that sick little kitty should be home in bed watching Judge Judy. I love that because these jackasses in Hollywood push their little mini-rats around in a stroller that everyone's got to have one. You know what Hollywood, kiss my cute little white arse alright. Now the solution. Instead of pushing this dumb ass animals around to the park and the mall, make them earn it. How about teaching our pets a little self-reliance for hell's sake. I mean someday that little poodle is gonna go off to college and get it's ass-sniffing degree from BYU. Now here's a dog that I can be pals with. This dog is doing something on his own, he's not sitting around waiting to be pampered.





Now for all you hippie pet lovers out there, go spoon with your precious Saint Bernard you freak.

Pee Standing or Sitting?

I realize it's been many many days since the last post, Snot. I apologize to my legions of adoring fans, hopefully this post, with all it's aspects will make up for the time lost. Not really, I just don't have that much fun stuff to talk about, but when something does tickle my fancy I will surely write and lo, here I am. Lot of things happening, like everyone I celebrated MLK day by moving crap from my aunt's house to my grandma's house. Not a bad day, considering it was like 8 freakin' degrees. Ok, now the fun. My little family has been quite sick with the flu and whatnot. My middle boy Trey is 3 and kind of a smart ass kid. He's had what he refers to as the "smokes." Whenever Trey has the runs, the squirts, tank tracks, etc. in his pants he calls them the smokes. Trey also refuses to take a dump, smokes and non-smokes, with the toilet seat down. He instead enjoys the cold, hard porcelain. Even in the winter--What a goof! So anyway, after wiping Trey's behind a good 8 times on Sunday my mind was on the toilet. Now I realize this is rare so bare with me. I recalled a conversation with my old friend let's call him "The Whopper." Whopper was trying to convince me it's better for a guy to take a piss sitting down like a woman. So we debated about this for some time. I can't believe it's easier--I know it's not easier. Guys just stand, zip, urinate! It's an easy three-step method that has been honored since the dawn of time. So I left that conversation thinking he was the only freak I knew. Now I find out that I have another good friend also enjoys peeing like the fairer sex. My question is the hell guys? I mean, damn. Half the fun of being a guy is peeing standing up, using a urinal at a ball game, in and out. Not waiting in line like the chicks do and miss the whole 3rd quarter. If you want to be a chick grab yourself some Julia Roberts hooker boots, do a grab and tuck down under, and where some nice cute Teddy. But please don't attempt to convince me that peeing is better sitting than standing. So what if us "standers" miss the water and piss on the sit, wall, or other item in the bathroom. Alright now. Go and Pee in peace.

Snot--Friend or Foe?

Snot

What art thou? How art thou such an important piece of life? Yes, this is another in what is sure to be a long line of disgusting posts here on the farting to fight terrorism blog. Like the other 12 million or so people that have been sick this holiday season I built up a great deal of snot.

Now, many people think I'm gross that I do this. Instead of wasting tissue and blowing my nose I just try and blow the snot right into the toilet or if you're in the shower "farmer blow" it right there. One note about the "Shower Farmer Blow", be super careful, snot likes to go at funny angles and can get stuck in your leg hairs. Then all day you have leg hairs stuck together in a crusty ball. So, when you farmer blow into the toilet do you, like me, ever have those super long pieces of illness not that don't break? Aren't these the coolest things ever. It's just you leaning over the can with a 2 foot dangling rope of snot. Really, it's beautiful. I mean, a hurricane-type wind couldn't break that string of snot. So, instead of wasting, killing, murdering innocent tissue this January, just "Farmer Blow" it man. This is Josh Berndt, take care of yourselves and each other.