Christmas Tyme

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Pumping Iron

So I have been working out quite a bit lately, getting super pumped.  I use this muscle rebuilder to get my muscles so ripped . . . enjoy

Aidan Zaugg

Normally I am a huge screw-off on this blog. This post is not so. My old friend from AZ, Mike Zaugg, has a 7-year old boy battling a rare for of brain stem cancer. Please help me spread the word, get donates, traffic to their site, whatever to help the Zaugg family. Maybe most important is your prayers. Thanks.

Bruhle's Rules

I love this guy! For the two of you that look at this blog every now and again, enjoy & I love you!


Tim And Erics Awesome Show Brules Rules - Click here for the most popular videos

Too Awesome

This video was too awesome to not post. If you can make it through the first half there is an incredible dance break. Thanks to my homey Clay for the link.

http://www.theway.org/Current/Mar07/Mar07Flash4.htm

More FotC for the peeps

By popular demand. Actual their is no popular, just demand. Really no demand either, but I sure like it. Love me some Kiwis!

Lake Powell

Heather and I just returned from a week-plus at Lake Powell. As always it was rad. Here are some snaps. Word

Concords Rule

My new favorite show

Javier

Back in the blogging world I hope. I give you all the mighty Javier . . .

Jose . . . Can You Get KO'd?

Not sure if you all saw this but resident money hound Jose Canseco thought he could get in the ring with former Arizona Cardinal Vai Sikahema.  (Side note--My old Pizza Hut delivered pizza to his house.)  (Also side note--I delivered a pizza to former LA Dodger Mickey Hatcher once)  (Another another side note--I hated delivering pizza).  But ol' Vai came through.  Here is the link from ESPN--pretty freggin classic.  What a tool Canseco is.

http://sports.espn.go.com/sports/boxing/news/story?id=3485127

Change Again

Greetings to anyone that might read this.  The Berndt's are changing again.  It's been six-months since our last move and figured we needed to keep Penske in business so we are moving back to Utah over the 4th of July.  We are dropping out of law school and rejoining the SLC workforce.  It has been a difficult decision but ultimately the right one, we hope.  This past year was maybe the single worst year of my life.  I knew that school would be difficult, but again, it just doesn't feel worth it.  I never saw myself as a practicing attorney or court room guy.  I will be working with my old PR firm Snapp Conner in August or so and am very excited to start fresh.  Hopefully, the blog can regain its fire now that my head will no longer be buried in books.  As always, word to your moms!

Updates

Sorry for the lack of updates.  Here are some of the latest from the Berndts of OKC.  We are spending our summer in Salt Lake.  Here some snaps from my sister's wedding on June 7th.  Word to your moms cause we came to drop bombs.

Devin in his sweet duds

Good Advice

I know I am kind of a cheater blogger recently. All I post is videos that make me giggle. So here is some more cheap freebie stuff. But here is an update. School sucks, my wife is great, my kids are playing soccer, I rarely see them. They no longer call me "Dad" and I am known as "Javier the Pool-boy" and I can't wait until May to get through this semester. Wasn't that a fun pick-me-up. Now read this--

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. IF YOU'RE CHOKING ON AN ICE CUBE, SIMPLY POUR A CUP OF BOILING WATER DOWN YOUR THROAT. PRESTO! THE BLOCKAGE WILL INSTANTLY REMOVE ITSELF.

2. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

3. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

4. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

5. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

6. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

7. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

8. REMEMBER - EVERYONE SEEMS NORMAL UNTIL YOU GET TO KNOW THEM.

9. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

He's a Man!

In honor of what looks like another wonderful cold season, here is something for the ladies to think about. Just understand that we are a different breed girls, accept it!

glumbert - The Man Cold

Debbie Downer Man

Okay--so I ripped this from my pal Lindsay's blog--Nice work Double L! But it's well worth the 6 minutes. Who is the Debbie D in your life? Talk amongst yourselves . . .

Stage Parents

Sometimes parents simply need to stop living through their children. However, then there are parents such as US Americans that make me proud to be a US American and not live in the Iraq such as.

Rad

This video is posted by request from a peep. Word KMK! But in all seriousness, this little clip is simply awesome. I had tears just thinking about it after I watched it. To all the huge dorks in this country we salute you. Wow there's a lot of nerds, I mean wow. But I'm sure some day they will kiss a girl other than their mother, keep hope alive . . . and now Leeeeeroy Jenkins!!!

I Ain't No Holla Back Girl

I thought I might post some pictures of the "Ice Storm 2007" our little family went through in December here in OKC. We only lost power for about 15 hours but others at my school were without for multiple days. All in the middle of Finals too just to make it interesting I guess, I mean law school for the most part is a real breeze, need some challenge to spice it up. So here are the snaps Heather took for all you knobs that live in warm weather, and you knobs in not so warm weather.

Happy New Year Dufuseszz

So what it's been two months since those killer photos were posted. Our little clan has been to hell and back, twice even. I survived my finals in December despite the OKC Ice Storm of 2007. It was the wildest thing I have ever seen. Like living in an igloo but not as cool obviously because we all know igloos rule. We also spent our Christmas break in Arizona with family and friends. Not really relaxing but 70 degrees works for me. The trip to AZ took us 19 hours as well, another storm. In New Mexico is were it hit us good. Cars and U-Hauls all over the road. Pretty nasty. Hopefully the return trip is better. The boys landed a Nintendo Wii for Christmas, Heather landed some new earrings, and the Josh landed another layer of fat, for the winter of course. All in all 2007 was a good year for us. School hopefully will get better and over with soon! No go, and read some books!

Photo Booth Fun

What up party people? Sorry for the lags between posts. Its been tough to find the time. However, here is our family's latest fun, our photo booth program on the mac. Much love to all the peeps from the OKC peeps.

Devin the Speed Racer

Check out little 18 month old Devin. He could be this generations Evil Knievel. Heather took this little video today at our new place in Oklahoma City. What a rad kid.

WWKLD

Here at law school, along with some friends here, I've adopted a new motto for life. When you are in trouble, when life gets you down, whenever you are faced with a tough decision, you now ask yourself, WWKLD?

My friends, what would Kenny Loggins Do? I'll tell you what you do, in any sitation. You grow a beard, you make a catchy hit for a movie, i.e. "Danger Zone" (the Highway to). My friends, you do those magically two steps life will work. Thank you Kenny, thank you for inspiring us to live a better dream, we love you! Now go and always think and remember Kenny Loggins. God Speed.

Chicken Wings Taste Good

In honor of my dear mate SDD, here is what Heather and I ate for supper from a new favorite, wingstop here in the OKC. I recommend the Atomic Hot, Heather's favorite is the Cajun. I love Lamp, I love Chicken.

I need me a Linebacker--Hubba Hubba

I forgot how great Terry Tate is. Please enjoy this helping of Office Linebacker.

Happy Labor Day

In honor of our holiday let us honor our country with idiots! Alright. I swear by watching this you WILL be smarter, so enjoy--and much love from the Berndt's in Oklahoma City. We miss all our friends!

Brokeback Love

Love is in the air friends. Beautiful love.

Warm and Fuzzy

It is something so wonderful when an athlete gives back to a good cause like the United Way! We should take notes from this fine young man and give back. Be a mentor. Take care of yourselves and each other.

The Classics!

Just a quick little post because I am supposed to have my nose in my books. I've been in law school two full days now, it feels like rough 200 trillion million, as James might say. Loooong. Rough. Confusing. Anyhow enough pissin.' As a former sportscaster I always love it when a former collegue hits the big time. Here is the greatest of all-time, the Ali of sports!

Back and Ringing a Bell

In the immortal words of the great poet Vanilla Ice, "I'm back and I'm ringing a bell . . .I'm stepping hard whilst the fly girls yell." Indeed Sir Ice, indeed. My family and I moved again a few weeks back, hence the lag in this fine piece of pop culture known as the farting to fight terrorism blog. Anywho, Heather, the boys and I now sit in beautiful Oklahoma City, the capital thanks! For the most part we like it a lot but the humidity blows. Law school starts for me this weekend, so life as we know it will cease to exsist for three fun filled years. Also, here are some gem pictures to make you laugh. Rock on party people.

Manscaping

As I get older there are many disappointing things in life. One, my hair is indeed not coming back. Two, I am getting more and more hair in my ears, why? Three, I still get zits. And my topic of the day is the fourth, back hair.

Please understand I am not covered at all, I'm pretty tame a few here and there. And for some reason back hair loves moles. I'm sure there's plenty of back hair lovers out there and these gems are for you. Much love to the apes of the world!

P.S.--I wore two different shoes to work today.

The Dramatic Chipmunk or Prairie Dog

The Most Amazing Chipmunk or Prairie Dog, whatever it is, mine eyes have ever beheld. You can't watch this just one, it becomes an addiction!

Ink for Me . . . Finally

Finally "The Man" givin' me some love.

http://www.sltrib.com/sports/ci_6196319

Enjoy Your Meal Now You Hear!

Nutrigran Bars Rule!

We all Heart the Chuck

For you Chuck Norris fans, basically everyone. Here is a brillant website to double check your Chuck Norris facts.

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/



All hail the Chuck!

Love You Tender

This is the single greatest thing my eyes have beheld. If Zod from Superman 2 had a gay brother he would sing this. Thanks to Focker for the gem!

Sometimes When We Touch . . . .

A Gorgeous Duo! This is perhaps the single most painful thing I have ever watched. Please, good people do it! Watch it, enjoy it, feel it within your soul! Much Love Now---

Picture of the Day

Let's stop Terrorism one loud-mouth at a time! Are you with me people? Rosie and freakin' flop-machine Manu Ginobili should be shown the door to this fine country. USA USA USA!

Tron

Have you ever met anyone that doesn't LOVE Tron? Never because they simply do not exist. And if any of the before mentioned people say they hate Tron it's because they are a Communist and should be stoned. (Note: the creators of farting to fight terrorism do not condone violence.) Anywho, for you this Tuesday I present - - - - - Tron Guy, the Most Powerful Man in the Universe.

Pictures of the Month/Year

Everybody Hates the Packers

Just had these gems and thought I might share with you fine folks.

Our Next President? Billary! Yeah Billary, Yeah Hill Clinton.

Jazz Rule!

As a life long Jazz fan I am on cloud nine this morning after the Jazz dumped the the Golden State Warriors last night to take a 3-1 lead in their playoff series. Growing up in Arizona amongst all the stupid Suns fans grew a tight bond with the Jazz that will never die. All the national media and even the NBA seem to always want the Jazz to lose, buttheads. Screw the haters as my man Snoop Dogg would say. Watching Golden State play makes me very uneasy. Not because I think they will win the game, but because they play like it's their first time actually playing basketball. Perhaps it's that I've watched Jerry Sloan's teams for the past 20 years but I actually enjoy the discipline of an organized team, call me crazy. I knew it would be a matter of time before freakin' Nellie Ball caught up with G-State and the Jazz would take over, last night was that time. Baron and J-Rich, who I really do like, laid respective eggs and Boozer and D-Will finished the job. Now the Jazz come home tomorrow to wrap the series in 5 and await the Spurs. Hopefully the Suns beat up on them a bit to give the Jazz a rest.

Word to Eric Leckner, JJ Anderson, Jeff Wilkins, Rickey Green, Jerry Eaves, Scott Roth, Rich Kelley, Billy Pautlz, Blue Edwards, Dell Curry, Kent Benson and Kelly Tripucka!

Word to Your Moms Cause I Came to Drop Bombs

Heidi--Ho everybody, long time I know. But man has the Office been kickin lately or what? And Lost too. Gotta love that TV. Someday I will afford Tivo though and that will rule. So I've added some music to the blogger, how bitchin is that? I know, Young MC and all my old school rap friends. Love the early 90's.

Anyway, happy mother's day to you Mom's. Peace out for now.

Tipping--What a Crock

This is somthing that has bugged the crap out of me for years now. Not that I am against tipping, in fact I am totally for tipping. Tipping the pizza guy, tipping the waitress at the local Chili's, those are fine. Why then in this great country of ours does every damn person need their own tip jar? Good hell people. I'm not tipping the guy that gives me popcorn at the movie theater. Honestly, ok let me think, seven bucks for a drink and some corn oh and here pimple-faced Jimmy is a couple of bucks for you for doing nothing! Forget it. I'm done with tipping people who aren't doing anything special but there job. The pizza guy actually brings the pizza to you. I just think this new tip jar thing is so damn stupid. What's next a tip jar at the Jiffy Lube? End the suffering, end the madness. That's all I have to say about that.

Berndt Boys

Generally it's a rule for me to not write and brag about my kids. Frankly people that never shut up about their kids drive me freaking nuts and I swore I'd never be "that" guy. However, I am proud of my three boys, very much so in fact, so here is my "that" guy blog for 2007.

Here are my three lads:

James is 6 and a mad Jr. Jazz basketball player

Trey is 3 and our resident male model. This is "Blue Steel."

(Show you? I shouldn't even been talking about it!)

Devin is a year old and the best behaved baby in the history of babies. Always happy, he flat out rules.

Hopefully this post will make my lovely wife happy too, she "claims" I have too many gross photos of this blog. I'm not sure she's looking at the right one, all class. All class. Word to your moms cause I came to drop bombs.

Being Sick Sucks

Greetings once again people of the world, tis I Joshua. I, like the 765,000 other people in Salt Lake have been plagued by the flu as of late. Now I hate the flu and having a cold as much as the next guy but there is one thing I kinda like, hacking and blowing lougies. I know I know, Josh we've already heard about snot, but folks, when your life and body is filled with the stuff it's on your mind a lot. Hence the reason for this sweet ass invention I just discovered. "A Nasal Irrigation machine. " What an awesome idea. You see all the good ideas are gone, the Whoppee Cushion, Shoes, and a Nasal Irrigation machine.

Lazy Freakin' Mutts

So hey, in the spirit of this lame ass Dog stroller idea that is all the rage now, here comes this post. I still think if your dog can walk, lick it's own ass, eat it's own crap, sniff a buddy's can, drink out of a piss-stained toilet, and drop a deuce on the rug then they can walk to the damn park with a leash. Now I understand if a poor little pooch or kitty is banged up, maybe a cold or the flu during this horrid flu season, might need a lift. Or maybe that sick little kitty should be home in bed watching Judge Judy. I love that because these jackasses in Hollywood push their little mini-rats around in a stroller that everyone's got to have one. You know what Hollywood, kiss my cute little white arse alright. Now the solution. Instead of pushing this dumb ass animals around to the park and the mall, make them earn it. How about teaching our pets a little self-reliance for hell's sake. I mean someday that little poodle is gonna go off to college and get it's ass-sniffing degree from BYU. Now here's a dog that I can be pals with. This dog is doing something on his own, he's not sitting around waiting to be pampered.





Now for all you hippie pet lovers out there, go spoon with your precious Saint Bernard you freak.

Pee Standing or Sitting?

I realize it's been many many days since the last post, Snot. I apologize to my legions of adoring fans, hopefully this post, with all it's aspects will make up for the time lost. Not really, I just don't have that much fun stuff to talk about, but when something does tickle my fancy I will surely write and lo, here I am. Lot of things happening, like everyone I celebrated MLK day by moving crap from my aunt's house to my grandma's house. Not a bad day, considering it was like 8 freakin' degrees. Ok, now the fun. My little family has been quite sick with the flu and whatnot. My middle boy Trey is 3 and kind of a smart ass kid. He's had what he refers to as the "smokes." Whenever Trey has the runs, the squirts, tank tracks, etc. in his pants he calls them the smokes. Trey also refuses to take a dump, smokes and non-smokes, with the toilet seat down. He instead enjoys the cold, hard porcelain. Even in the winter--What a goof! So anyway, after wiping Trey's behind a good 8 times on Sunday my mind was on the toilet. Now I realize this is rare so bare with me. I recalled a conversation with my old friend let's call him "The Whopper." Whopper was trying to convince me it's better for a guy to take a piss sitting down like a woman. So we debated about this for some time. I can't believe it's easier--I know it's not easier. Guys just stand, zip, urinate! It's an easy three-step method that has been honored since the dawn of time. So I left that conversation thinking he was the only freak I knew. Now I find out that I have another good friend also enjoys peeing like the fairer sex. My question is the hell guys? I mean, damn. Half the fun of being a guy is peeing standing up, using a urinal at a ball game, in and out. Not waiting in line like the chicks do and miss the whole 3rd quarter. If you want to be a chick grab yourself some Julia Roberts hooker boots, do a grab and tuck down under, and where some nice cute Teddy. But please don't attempt to convince me that peeing is better sitting than standing. So what if us "standers" miss the water and piss on the sit, wall, or other item in the bathroom. Alright now. Go and Pee in peace.

Snot--Friend or Foe?

Snot

What art thou? How art thou such an important piece of life? Yes, this is another in what is sure to be a long line of disgusting posts here on the farting to fight terrorism blog. Like the other 12 million or so people that have been sick this holiday season I built up a great deal of snot.

Now, many people think I'm gross that I do this. Instead of wasting tissue and blowing my nose I just try and blow the snot right into the toilet or if you're in the shower "farmer blow" it right there. One note about the "Shower Farmer Blow", be super careful, snot likes to go at funny angles and can get stuck in your leg hairs. Then all day you have leg hairs stuck together in a crusty ball. So, when you farmer blow into the toilet do you, like me, ever have those super long pieces of illness not that don't break? Aren't these the coolest things ever. It's just you leaning over the can with a 2 foot dangling rope of snot. Really, it's beautiful. I mean, a hurricane-type wind couldn't break that string of snot. So, instead of wasting, killing, murdering innocent tissue this January, just "Farmer Blow" it man. This is Josh Berndt, take care of yourselves and each other.

Crop Dusting

The other day there was an episode at the office that I feel I must address. At my current place of employment we are situated in cubicles. (Think Office Space . . . yeah . . . did you get the TPS Report Memo, stuff like that). Anyway, as I come sit down at my personal cube I catch a wiff of something off. It's smelled like a dirty diaper mixed with eggs. And everyone knows that rotten egg fart smell, am I right or am I right? So, I'd been crop dusted. I found the culprit I think. New girl. New girl ate some bad sushi the night before maybe. New girl probably destroyed the shop toilet too. But that's disgusting. Although the shop toilet here at "The Office" is another interesting item of note I'll address. I'll admit that I've enjoyed the facilities from time to time, but one thing really makes me uncomfortable. When you go to take a deuce and the seat is already warm! Someone's hairy butt was just where my hairy butt currently is! Now that just ain't right. It ain't. I need a cold piece of porcelain, cold steel baby, like a gun. And one final poop note, the shop bathroom really needs some air freshener. Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.

Do you play for the Utah Jazz?

Ah memories. Back in a previous life I was a sportscaster in the fine state of Wyoming, the Equality State. One wintery night in Green River, WY I had an experience that has defined me as a man, made me who I am today, for I was a member of the greatest team ever, the Utah Jazz.

After covering my team's game one evening I stopped by the local McDonalds for a tasty dinner. Let me set the stage so this tale can dance in your mind's eye--It's cold, like 10 degrees cold, so I am in a parka and my usual Jazz beanie. I'm driving my sweet azz, high performance Green 2000 Honda Civic with two car seats in the back. I pull to the window and order my chow. The fine gentleman taking my order, let's call him Roy, tells me to pull to the first window, which I do. On road trips for my radio station I used one credit card, a Utah Jazz credit card, to get reimbursed later. So, I give Roy my Jazz card, wearing my Jazz beanie. Roy takes the card, reads it, looks at me, sees the Beanie, and says "Utah Jazz, do you play for the Utah Jazz?" Shyly, I replied, "well, yeah." He then looks at my card and says Josh Beer . . .interrupting I say, "oh, you don't recognize me?" Then Roy says, "oh yeah I do." We chit chat for a moment, wondering why I'm in town. I told him I was injured and in Wyoming to watch some basketball in Green River (that part was true!) Then Roy does the best thing possible, he turns back inside the McDonald's and yells, "Hey everyone there's a famous guy at the Drive-thru!" About 13-15 employees joined Roy at the window hoping to catch a glimpse of the superstar who was driving a Honda Civic with non-custom rims. Roy then asked if I would mind signing a few autographs for free food. I insisted that I pay for my food, which I did with my team-issued Jazz credit card. I proceeded to sign a handful of autographs "To: Summer, Best Wishes! Josh Berndt #24" and so forth. The crowning moment came when Roy's co-worker, let's call him Jeb, says, after getting the prized autograph, "I'm gonna give this to my dad, it'll be the best Christmas present ever!" And I'm sure it was. Here's to you Roy and Jeb, hope you didn't try and sell my autograph on ebay, punks. Merry Christmas to my legions in Green River. That was the best quarter-pounder with cheese ever!

The Verp

The Verp. Some call it gross, others an annoyance, I call it art. Art that sometimes stings your throat. I ate a delightful meal at an Italian establishment (until they pay me I ain't given no free ad placement). Ok so I was at Fazolis with the Fab 3 enjoying a Classic Sampler. Anywho, about three hours later as our meeting back at the Office comes to end my Classic Sampler decides to join us, ah but just a sample of the sampler. A Verp, half vomit/half burp. I feel that verps are a tad underrated. I mean how often do you get two meals for the price of one? It's like getting a main course desert how sweet is that? Unfortunately for those near by a verp, not participating in it, may not enjoy it as you the verpee will. You see verps tend to smell. Mine today smelled and tasted like Heaven. So therefore, I must be an angel. Good night now.